?

I am not sure about life anymore. It is just one big question mark after another.

It's all coming to an end...

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. Classes are coming to an end, meaning that towards the middle of May I will have graduated from the greatest university in existence: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I FINALLY get used to this place, used to living here, used to the people, and used to the idea of school, its exams, and its study habits. And now, I am upon the cusp of being thrust into the real world.

I am currently awaiting the status of my Grad School application, to delay the inevitable. Next week I will know the status of my application and then I will know if the world will rain down upon my fragile college body.

4 papers are due in the next month, all around the size of 10 pages in total. I haven't started and it is at the end of may. Sure I will be fine, because I have endured worse; however, it is simply that I don't really care - that I have a severe case of senioritis.

Next, I have dealt with the pangs of my church for awhile. My pastor has been under fire from several members of my family and friends attending the church, yet I am not sure that he knows of this as fact. I have not seen eye to eye with him since he treated my father the way he did back in the early 2000s. He changed the fabric of our church and has easily tried to commercialize our church to the outside world. That is not how I remember our church being. Sure he is our pastor, but he isn't the owner of OUR church. A church full of older women and gentlemen who have no say in the changes of the church and newcomers who believe that everything should change, due to the fact that they were not around when we (me and my family) were around.

Not only that, I have dealt with changes in my own Sunday School class. It is full of seminary students and I feel like I can say nothing at all. When I do raise a question, a mere fish in an ocean of of shark geniuses. I am smart and I am worth everyone's time. But not in that class. In that class I honestly feel like my opinion is worth nothing. I raise an objection to a thought, to strengthen our spiritual lives and to make sure that everyone knows why that a certain thing happens in the Bible. But no, my opinion, an opinion that has been carefully tested and noted by teachers since I was 3 in that church, is kicked to the curb by 6 outsiders who think that they have seniority over someone who has been there longer. And, on top of that, their opinions are forced upon the class (the only ones that count, namely me and my cousin (when she is around)).

My cries for help from the outside are squelched by the fact that I don't make them. I have been trying to date around with a girl that I have recently met, whose interest in me has been seemingly all over the radar - ie: creeped out, invite me to lunch, say blatantly that she is interested, and then disappear off of the radar. I understand she is busy, but I figured that if she were the least bit interested, that I could have fit into her week in some form or fashion. Apparently I am not that interesting. Apparently I am just a piece of shit guy, carrying his v-card, never disrespected anyone of the opposite sex, has always tried to uphold a sense of honor, decency, and chivalry among them, and yet is constantly treated the same. I am worth your time - I am not crazy and I respect you completely. What the hell?!

Maybe I worry too much, but I feel as though my life sometimes wants to crash down around me and I could care too less for the catastrophe when it occurs. I think I am too numb to ANYTHING to let it affect me now. If you can help me, please help me - otherwise I might not care myself to death.

Moonlit

I go to the out, for the in is too tough
amongst all the cold, shortlisted stuff
God has a black blanket

The world all draped in comfort, yet stiff
my forehead cringes for all time, I whiff
some narcotic's strained smell

somehow I sit, forced down by all such vice;
icicles stab my clothes down, to much suffice
my weighty syndrome cerebral

my cavern is bright, cascading celestial cover
I bound right on through, only to discover
a fresh vantage point

mostly pillars surround me, riddled adieu
a cringe up my spine, a shiver rivers through
where I came from, silence

all the bleak surrounds under, warmth so far
He has sought not to cover me in such tar
in the distance, glimmer

teleportation celestial, mired in blindness
covered in holes, but yet full of kindness
my heart skips beat two, three

a February seizure in blatant comforted sight
spheres to dilate and absorb the coming light
blissful mental meltdown

within the fondue, a new idea shall ferment
and as I delve deeper, my soul succumbs to cement
meaning had once a life

a river runs through, and capsizes my vesseled
falling deeper and deeper, a crunch over nestled
thoughts bleed old adages

pizza crusted in blood, movements stay unchanged
situated so far from recurrences very deranged
forced here, it all makes sense

a damn bursts forth, buoyancy comes soon after
higher and higher, touching near the blind rafter
swan dive into the sky

the moon shows no mercy, allowing me no nearer
gravity takes aim, cross hairs like some mirror
my shattered pieces gouge

the earth so much closer, some directly in parts
not diamonds in the clear, but a kind of bartz
I reflect the madness

here comes the tiger, to help gather what's left
in the forest, even she, should not be so deft
sharp edges make her pay

my eyes, remain fixed on Diana all the higher
rain falls and coats me, I'll never be drier
forever I'll not move

so fade on into oblivion, never to be seen
layers of dust pile high, up above not a gene
laying in my coffin

End of Days

"Cry not for me, oh starry sky above
this my swan song, is justified in love"

And like the shining sun, cloudless
this, my end of days, a bloody sky
cut with shades of black cloud lifeless
the horizon breathes a sigh, then dies

The stars like lasers from another world
destroy vast excess of greenery with black
glistening like the Zenith's tears, encircled
the light of the planet, tireless and slack

The Nether cousin of our brightness appears
and stays for the half of a distant query
as if another void has opened, other spheres
the sadness of the atmosphere is very, oh very

Questions raises by the bottoms of stars
end exclamations of loneliness and pity
As I, mere being, assume much burning from afar
can only see the coldness, like aurora from city

They fall to earth but they don't catch fire
Nether merely watches as they fall from night
hitting the ground, splatter stabbed by spire
blinding, stand silent, for there's too much light

In darkness, I say, searing Obelisk torment
crushing bleak stone eyes in the spectre soil
bearing stars from mine eyes, not heaven sent
coldness spreads, death in one's future foil

One with the earth, and two from the sun
three from the heavens from what's been done
for my hearts all over, blood for blood's sake
at least now, and here, my body succumbs to ache

The Fall of Winter

Twinkle twinkle little grain
Falling from the sky again
I wish I may, I wish tonight
That all can see your beauty bright

Sparkling like the morning dew
Once again, I’m here for you
Staring at your fellow star
From a distance, my body far

I can’t take my sight away
My eyes fixed, know no sway
Radiant fixtures all surround
And I, in sight, hear no sound

You are my sound, fragile flame
In the dawn, you won’t be the same
So here I am, moment to preserve
Blinking once, my mind unnerves

Your friends, from the sky they fall
Yet, with them, no compare withal
A cousin forms, my sight is blurred
In the morning, you’ll concur

Splashed all down the sidewalk now
I don’t know where, nor I know how
Angels litter the ground near here
A celestial graveyard the stones leer

Collectively, they all are gone
The grains of sand melt into song
The god-induced sandbox nigh
Is not as forgiving as they cry

Silent screams all stop my step
Spastically, my heart they’ve kept
Running down the sidewalk’s side
My patience has all but lied

Permeate yon suicidal thought
The watery lemmings, ghastly lot
Have all but left the soil today
All in their melancholy way

Yet as they slide down the cliff
They saunter up that heavenly lift
And as I make that breathless dive
It’s the first moment, I feel alive

sooo...

so I just read the whole Twilight series...lol. I know what you're thinking: WHAT A FUC*ING HYPOCRITE!! I know I know. What can I say, sometimes I delver down into the hypocritic (not in fact a word) road. That's sorta kinda the reason why I have not been on the blogger lately - cuz I've been reading those 4 books.

*Spoiler Alert*

Did I like them? Good question. I was not emotionally invested in any of the characters as I would have been with, say, a Ron Weasley or Professor Dumbledore - that having been said, this is not a Harry Potter killer whatsoever. In comparison, it sucks really bad. Does it hold its own though? As a series, no, it doesn't. There are a lot of plot inconsistencies. Like the book ending to fast, or there being no resolution or conclusion whatsoever. The last book has a fight that seems like it is going to come the ENTIRE last 4th of the book. Does it happen? Hell no. There is a fight scene at the end of the first book, and you never see what happens. Apparently Stephanie Meyer has a problem with violence if it involves more than one person. It's more about emotional pain and suffering. That's perfectly fine. THEN DON'T ENTICE US TO THE POINT WHERE WE THINK THAT IT'S GONNA HAPPEN! There's a talking baby, werewolves, neurotic father, overbearing mother, eternally cold vampires; these things combined with the crappy plots and the unendearing characters make it a pain to read. But people don't pay attention to those things.

Why did I keep coming back? Honestly I don't know. If I had to pinpoint the reason, it would lie, not with Charlie, Jacob, any of his pack, Washington, the Volturi, or Renesmee (gah). It would lie with Edward and Bella. And that is the book's selling point. A love story that seems like it has been done before, a billion times. It's forbidden. Human and vampire just doesn't seem natural. One is mortal and the other is immortal. There is a break and a lot of emotional anguish. They end up back together again and live happily ever after. Blah blah blah. You could probably predict all of the book's events between them and be right 3/4 of the time. The only reason I say that is because there are some things you don't know - like the origins and the character's names.

Then why did I read? I like to feel good about myself. We all like to feel good about ourselves. We like to extend our belief outside of the possible window and imagine a life where there is only the circumstances of a book. We like to think we are experiencing what is going on, like love, loss, and regained assurance about ourselves. If this is occurring in our minds then certainly it must be possible in real life! We like to think it is possible. Coincidences are not apart of our lives, but we like to think they are. And that is where the magic in this book lies. If we suspend reality long enough to believe that, yes, we are in love or, yes, we have emotions that reach to the very inward part of ourselves - we can like anything. Yet, this series of books really makes you feel for edward and bella. Nobody else though. Fu*k everyone else. This series is about the vampire and the young lady. Thing is, I didn't connect myself to Edward whatsoever. He is so far and above me, he is like a vampiric...well, Jesus. Perfection for the male psyche. He serves as a aspiration for my soul, for my love life. He can do no wrong. Given, he has had a century to perfect himself. Men, we can all learn from Edward's example. Bella, on the other hand, is not to be aspired to - but to connect to. She has all the human shortcomings we all do - impatience, pain, idiocy, incompetence, annoying, and yet, is beautiful. She experiences what all humans experience and shows that it is possible to get through such pain. This book is about achieving perfection and the way it feels to have it. It is also about unrequited love, which we all aspire to. It gets at you and it stays there. This book is by no means revolutionary, but it is different enough that we can believe it is. Bella and Edward are the stars of the show and the other characters revolve around them. There are, in that case, no other characters.

And that is why I read them and read past the first few pages into the last, disappointing plot point. If you wanna feel good about yourself, there is no better book out there. But it still depends.

An Intimate Affair

I saw inspiration

She walked away

Elusive as the dawn of a new day

I felt her presence

As she glided wistfully

So grown spring flowers all daintily

I approached inspiration

She shied away

And other voices stirred her sway

I felt her presence

As she voiced her concern

About my lack of willingness I learn

I touched inspiration

She pulled away

Said she was in a relationship to stay

I felt her presence

As she ran down a mile

But, even so, she ran it in style

I found inspiration

She stayed awake

Left in a ditch by evil spirits I’d say

I felt her presence

As she pulled me close

That moment is where I felt her the most

I held inspiration

She threw away

Her shirt in a sexy manner of way

I felt her presence

As she laid me down

And I was held speechless, not a sound

I loved inspiration

She moaned away

Words so sweet, echoed softly in spades

I felt her presence

As she let me in

Her supple touch left my head in a spin

I lost inspiration

She left away

Note signed in crimson, my heart displays

I felt her presence

As her words held tight

My heart dare not let go, not in this light

I cried, “Inspiration!”

She disappeared away

Slipped from my touch, never unscathed

I felt her presence

As she left her silence

Nothing to remind of her, except these red prints

I think of inspiration

She appears right away

Startling me as she steps into the fray

I still feel her presence

As she stays entwine

My hand reaches pencil, writing line by line