It's all coming to an end...

Lately, I have had a lot on my mind. Classes are coming to an end, meaning that towards the middle of May I will have graduated from the greatest university in existence: The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. I FINALLY get used to this place, used to living here, used to the people, and used to the idea of school, its exams, and its study habits. And now, I am upon the cusp of being thrust into the real world.

I am currently awaiting the status of my Grad School application, to delay the inevitable. Next week I will know the status of my application and then I will know if the world will rain down upon my fragile college body.

4 papers are due in the next month, all around the size of 10 pages in total. I haven't started and it is at the end of may. Sure I will be fine, because I have endured worse; however, it is simply that I don't really care - that I have a severe case of senioritis.

Next, I have dealt with the pangs of my church for awhile. My pastor has been under fire from several members of my family and friends attending the church, yet I am not sure that he knows of this as fact. I have not seen eye to eye with him since he treated my father the way he did back in the early 2000s. He changed the fabric of our church and has easily tried to commercialize our church to the outside world. That is not how I remember our church being. Sure he is our pastor, but he isn't the owner of OUR church. A church full of older women and gentlemen who have no say in the changes of the church and newcomers who believe that everything should change, due to the fact that they were not around when we (me and my family) were around.

Not only that, I have dealt with changes in my own Sunday School class. It is full of seminary students and I feel like I can say nothing at all. When I do raise a question, a mere fish in an ocean of of shark geniuses. I am smart and I am worth everyone's time. But not in that class. In that class I honestly feel like my opinion is worth nothing. I raise an objection to a thought, to strengthen our spiritual lives and to make sure that everyone knows why that a certain thing happens in the Bible. But no, my opinion, an opinion that has been carefully tested and noted by teachers since I was 3 in that church, is kicked to the curb by 6 outsiders who think that they have seniority over someone who has been there longer. And, on top of that, their opinions are forced upon the class (the only ones that count, namely me and my cousin (when she is around)).

My cries for help from the outside are squelched by the fact that I don't make them. I have been trying to date around with a girl that I have recently met, whose interest in me has been seemingly all over the radar - ie: creeped out, invite me to lunch, say blatantly that she is interested, and then disappear off of the radar. I understand she is busy, but I figured that if she were the least bit interested, that I could have fit into her week in some form or fashion. Apparently I am not that interesting. Apparently I am just a piece of shit guy, carrying his v-card, never disrespected anyone of the opposite sex, has always tried to uphold a sense of honor, decency, and chivalry among them, and yet is constantly treated the same. I am worth your time - I am not crazy and I respect you completely. What the hell?!

Maybe I worry too much, but I feel as though my life sometimes wants to crash down around me and I could care too less for the catastrophe when it occurs. I think I am too numb to ANYTHING to let it affect me now. If you can help me, please help me - otherwise I might not care myself to death.